Community Adviser: 

A few fashion tips from the new King of Ridley

Published in the Delaware County Daily Times June 7, 2001

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. 
Then he made school boards."

Mark Twain


As I left off in my last community adviser column, I was going to run for the Ridley School Board, and my campaign platform was going to be the ''uniform uniform.''

 I have been overwhelmed and deeply moved by numerous notes and personal contacts that would support such an effort, however, I am sorry to say that (brace yourselves) I was only kidding!

Imagine that.

Hah! School Board? My aspirations go way beyond school board. I want to be the King of Ridley. Now there is an effort that merits support in Ridley Township.

Think about it for a moment. Ridley doesn't even have a mayor. Even Darby has a mayor, and look at all the controversy, fun and publicity the mayor of Darby has brought to her fiefdom. Imagine what King John of Ridley could do to bring international notoriety to our township.

But I digress.

Anyway, on the uniform issue, I have noticed that the Ridley Senior High School students have unofficially adopted the standards set by that famous French fashion designer Yves St. LaCircus d' Geek.

Although hard to describe, pants are semi-shorts, fashionably worn covering only the bottom half of one's butt. The crotch of the pants, by fashion law, must dip below the knees. Undershorts stick out, covering the top half of one's butt, however, they are pulled up to about the neckline.

Next year, students will begin wearing undershorts on top of their regular pants.

Another fashion style in today's teenware can be traced back to that 18th century trendsetter Marquis de Sade, as body mutilation has become an intrinsic part of today's fashion statement.

What better way to express individuality than to drive a railroad spike through the bridge of your nose or stitch barbed wire through an eyebrow, cheek, nostril, or chin?

Important Warning: Adults -- Do not try this at home! Any attempts to push metallic objects through various human appendages, cartilage, skin and/or bone should only be done with the supervision of a teenager at a place such as a metal shop in a high school.

So, what are we to conclude from today's teenage fashion statements? The obvious -- teenagers are stupid.

However, as a teenager, there is no need to be concerned about your stupidity.

Like me, you will age, and with time, you will no longer be a stupid teenager.

You will soon join the ranks of us stupid adults.

Just get rid of the nose ring.

John Ominski is a member of the Daily Times Community Advisory Board. Adviser columns appear every Thursday.