CA2

Election 2000 Closure and

Barroom Banter

Published in the Delaware County Daily Times on January 25, 2001. However, this is what I submitted and is uncensored, not exactly what was in the Times.

The week of December 11 was one to remember. It started with a letter I wrote about the presidential election and the despicable Dummycrats being published on Monday. I wasn't too concerned about the reaction, as I had assumed that most of my adversaries can't read, however, I hadn't thought of the possibility that someone would read the column to them.

By Tuesday night the sordid mess was over. The courts had ruled against team Gore, and George W. Bush was the president elect. It was time for a trip to the local watering hole to gloat and collect on some election wagers.

As I sat down at the bar, my favorite barmaid told me "every time I think you hit the pinnacle of obnoxious, you go one better".

Me: "Well, even I amaze myself sometimes."
Patron 1: "I see you're getting blasted in sound off today by a Dumb Democrat."
Me: "Illiterate twits use sound off."
Patron 2: "What did you call me?"
Me: "If the shoe fits. But we need to put this behind us and come together. We need to put aside our partisan politics, and work together, move forward, and do the peoples' business. And speaking of business, I think that some financial remuneration is coming this way."
Patron 3: "You know the Republicans stole the election. Everyone knows that Al Gore won."
Me: "And everyone knows George W is the next president. Give me my money."

Upon collection of my ill-gotten gains, I told the barmaid to get everyone a drink on George W. Bush. It's amazing how quickly some people can change from draft beer to triple Jamesons on the rocks.

Patron 2: "You know, that fishwrapper is bad enough with that idiot Gil Spencer. Now another idiot like you gets regular space. Is it a requirement to be an idiot to get published in the Times?"
Me: "Not really, but it certainly helps in communicating with the ignorant masses I suppose."
Patron 2: "Well, I like your picture, and it looks real good at the bottom of my birdcage."
Me: "Was it your bird that read the column to you?"
Patron 3: "You're really getting your jollies off on this one, aren't you?"
Me: "It's a great day for America. We now have a Republican president, Republican House, and Republican Senate. And George W will pack the Supreme Court with right wing conservative Republicans. The first order of business will be to fumigate the White House. Well, I would really like to hang around and debate with everyone, but I have to go."
Patron 3: "Just like a Republican. You come in here, take money from the poor, and run. Where do you have to go?"
Me: "I have to pick up the Royal Offspring."
Patron 3: "The Royal Offspring?"
Patron 4: "That's John's 4 year old son, John the Fourth."
Patron 3: "Good Lord, there's another one of him? Are you teaching him about Newt Gingrich's Contract with America?"
Me: "Not yet. We're currently studying the success of Ronald Reagan's program of trickle down economics though. And tonight we're gonna hang George W's picture over the fireplace."
Patron 4: "Where's the Luckiest Girl in the World today?"
Patron 3: "Luckiest Girl in the World?"
Patron 4: "That's John's wife."
Patron 3: "No way! I can't believe anyone could be married to such an imbecile. But, I guess even a blind monkey finds a banana now and then."
Me: "The Luckiest Girl in the World has her company Christmas party tonight, so I will be attending to the Royal Offspring."
Patron 3: "I think I'll call child services."
Patron 2: "I'm gonna call sound off."
Me: "Illiterate twits."

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